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She ran up to me and told me
And my lips curled up in a smile
Wanting to laugh off the suggestion
For it couldn’t be but a joke.
When I came to realise she was only smiling
Because she was trying to be strong
I started breaking down
Pleading her to tell me she was lying
Because how could this horrid truth be?
How could you be gone?

I wanted to run from all their hugs
And condolences and questions if I was fine
How could I be fine when my very soul
Was being torn apart and my heart was bleeding?
I never knew the torment of being forced to
Quietly sit in my place all day long
While I was falling apart on the inside
I never knew the pain of restraining the tears
While all I wanted to do was scream.

When I was finally able to cry my heart out
I admit I was evil enough to wish others
Were in your place because it was so unfair
Because I never met someone as full of life as you
Because you deserved to live it to the fullest
Because it was just so wrong.

I wish you knew how angry I was
That they dared to defile the memory of you
Saying you were already sick
Just so that they could cover up their mistake
And if they had done their job right
You might still be with me.
It was no comfort to me that you suffered
Only for a little while, because I know
It hurt and I know you screamed.

There’s something else I want to tell you
And I hope you’d forgive me.
The day before I was supposed to say
My goodbye I laughed because I remembered
All the silly and funny and stupid things you did
I forced myself to stop and cried again
Because what kind of person dares to laugh
When her friend is dead?
I never felt so confused but I got told
It’s OK to be happy and to laugh
Because you weren’t the kind of person
That would want me to be sad.

On the day of your funeral I wanted to see you
One more time, but your coffin was closed
Your brother and mother were standing beside it
And I saw he was trying to be strong for her
I hugged her and felt her hands grip my waist.
After I heard her crying: “My son was a
Perfect child!” You really weren’t.
Sometimes you acted like such a bastard
I wanted to smack you on the head
But believe me, I loved you nevertheless.

Now the time has passed and I’m fine
But I’m scared because memories are fading
And I don’t want to forget. I remember the feelings
But the words are slipping and that’s not fair
Because it’s still so wrong and I still miss you.
If you want to ask me something, feel free to do so, I don't mind. And in case you're wondering, no, I didn't have a crush on him, but I loved him very much. In fact, I often wished he was my brother. He was the most positive person you can imagine, so positive I was seriously worried when he was in a bad mood. He was extremely creative and he kept making all kinds of things and he also knew his way around electronics. He could dance really good, but he listened to the music I couldn't stand. To this day he's the reason I know titles of way too many Lady Gaga's songs. When I met him he was shorter than me for at least a head but he grew like 10 centimeters every summer so when we were in first grade of high school I had to look up to look him in the eyes. I miss his special way of telling me I'm insane and I miss his smile with which he reminded me adorably of a hamster because of his front teeth :)
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:iconrumpelteaser:
rumpelteaser Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist
Beautiful piece. *hugs* I am sorry for your loss.
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:iconscarletwave:
scarletwave Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
...wow. It is a very rare piece that renders me speechless. But I think you may have succeeded.  I really don't want to lose anyone. Not ever. But I am not much of a realist. Not one at all. I wish I had something to make it better for you. Anything at all. I don't want to say I am sorry or any of the things that seem to me would just diminish anything you feel.  Seems to me you do have some pretty amazing memories, though, so that is possibly just the fear taking hold at times? 

:iconcolorheartsplz:

Jen
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:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2015  Hobbyist
I saw your comment just now, for some reason it didn't get through to my message centar, sorry. Yes, you are right, memories I have of him are great. Full of joy, and guess it is fear, because that's all I have left from him now, and it was supposed to be a lifetime friendship. I'm okay now, though. A lot of time has passed. I still miss him, but I guess that happens when we lose someone close.

Nothing bad about not being a realist. I consider myself one, but I think most people would say I'm a dreamer. Somehow I believe it's possible to be both at the same time. Somebody could say one should exclude the other, but it doesn't matter to me :)
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:iconxhyacintho:
xHyacintho Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
at first I thought ''oh, another sad poem, let's check out'' and then I found myself ending this on edge of tears. I am so sorry for your loss :( *sending hug*
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:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist
Thank you :hug: I didn't want to make anybody cry.
Reply
:iconxhyacintho:
xHyacintho Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
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:icondanijel-knez:
Danijel-Knez Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow, seems like that for a time, you really had someone special. Someone to hold,cherish and to have beside you. It is a shame to see things end. But it all has to apparently..

I had a person just like that, we had our quirky moments,where i was the dumb boy, always filled with joy,always had something ''smart'' to day. While she would laugh,and laugh for hours with me. It was all magical once upon a time, before it turned out to be nothing in the end. but such is life, and we have no choice but to move on and find something better. There always is something better.

You will miss him,thou your memories will fade in time. It is only natural, you already know the procedure and you know how it will end.

Not everything is black and gray. It will all be better soon enough, the laughter that you once had with him will be even greater with another, and it will all be even more beautiful then it all was. So what to say. Stay strong !

:hug:
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:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist
You can be so sweet in your comments, you know that?
Although it was friend love, now I can understand what was meant by "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Some moments feel timeless, so we can keep them forever :)
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:icondanijel-knez:
Danijel-Knez Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hehe i didn't know xD. I think i have gotten the message wrong here, this was friend love? uuuu.... U thought it is something else, by the strength of the poem. But still as you said. It's better to be loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

True,now we just need to wait for more love.
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
:hug:
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:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist
Aww, thanks :)
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
You're welcome. ^_^
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:iconwhatisfreedomtoyou:
WhatIsFreedomToYou Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
keep on smiling. keep on laughing. keep on living. because no matter how much it hurt, one day the pain will go away but never the great memories of your dear friend. i hope for you the best a life of great happiness. and thank you for sharing your heart breaking yet wonderful story.
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:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist
This is very sweet of you; thank you. Pain did go away, but I still miss him.
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:iconamphibnia:
Amphibnia Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh how sad. a lot of emotion you put into this.
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:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist
Indeed. I realised I wrote quite a few personal pieces, but never about him. I remebered how I felt then and the words just came.
Reply
:iconamphibnia:
Amphibnia Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
yeah ive had that C:
something you cant really talk about but you can write paragraphs about...
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:iconmapleshade4546:
Mapleshade4546 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
awww thats was really sad ;( brilliant story tho :D
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:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconmysticstar875:
Mysticstar875 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Writer
This is so beautifully sad that it took me a while to process...I felt light-headed and dizzy by the end of it. How did you do it? Stay strong? You're such an amazing, powerful woman to write such a thing about a friend so loved, lost. I'm so sorry...
Reply
:iconmauragreen:
MauraGreen Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist
Thank you for this touching comment. It was a very confusing time for me. My brain accepted the news but my heart didn't, because death should never be part of life. It helped me to think about all the nice/crazy times. He made me laugh often. Once, when we were in scool, we sat on the window bench, some woman was passing outside and he just started to bang his hands on the glass yelling: "Madam! Madam!" The woman gave hima really scared look while I almost choked laughing. When I laughed after he died I felt really guilty but my friends told me he would want me to be happy and to continue with my life. Faith in God, praying and talking to friends who were through something similar also helped a great deal.
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:iconmysticstar875:
Mysticstar875 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Writer
This is so sweet. You should share more moments like that...it's nice to hear ^^
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