literature

I Am Alice

Deviation Actions

MauraGreen's avatar
By
Published:
624 Views

Literature Text

I dreamt big and hoped colossal, that made me too tall
T’was a painful fall so I put it all away, but then I became too small.
Some think it would be the wisest to let go, accept and try to fit
But I’m half left in the head and I don’t approve one bit.

I don't like your world, it makes too much sense,
Strings that keep me from falling apart make me so tense
So I will leave, I need to dream to be real
Seal the rabbit hole, my nightmares and I, we'll come to a deal.

In the land of broken time I have an eternity to roam
I'm lost in nonsensical logic and it feels just like home
Everything is what it isn't, what you call truth fades
My world isn't safe for you, see the grin in the shades?

Monsters are nice, they offer more tea and don’t accuse
It’s perfectly fine to jump on the table with two different shoes,
Just keep the reason out or it will all disappear
Because we are all indeed mad here.

But the queen dislikes me, didn't I paint the roses red?
“Off with her head!” was what she had said.
Tell me – does waking up feel like being dead?

I want you to understand, so I’ll make you a dare:
When I wake up, you better be there,
For I have no more sanity to spare.
My English teacher asked me to write a poem for... I don't remember. Something. I always loved this story, and recently I realized Alice reminds me of a Vulcan among humans, which makes it even better. Anyway, I was supposed to write, and Lonacc was in charge of illustrating (she did an awesome job I must say), but she also helped improve this so much. I'm still not completely satisfied, but my writing is generally going towards being average lately... Ah, what are you gonna do. My muse is having mononucleosis. :XD: No, really.
© 2014 - 2024 MauraGreen
Comments3
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
angelenroute's avatar
Hi, Sean here from We-Poets, stopping by because you requested a critique for this.

You reference your English teacher in the description, so for her or his sake, I must mention the following edits first. :)

My English teacher asked me to write poem for...
***"a" poem

I always loved this story and recently I realized
***Comma after "story"

Anyway, I was supposed to write and Lonacc was in charge of illustrating (she did an awesome job I must say)
***Commas after "write" and after the end paren mark

Ah, what you're gonna do. My muse is having mononucleosis. XD No, reallly.
***"What are you gonna do?" + "really"

Sorry, I think your English teacher possessed me there, haha.

T’was a painful fall so I put it all away, but then I became too small.
***I'd remove the "I" before "became" for just a hair better rhythm

Some think, it would be the wisest to let go, accept and try to fit
***Delete comma after "think"

But I’m half left in the head and I don’t approve one bit.
***Not sure I get your meaning here, so you may consider revising slightly.

I don't like your world, it makes too much sense,
Strings that keep me from falling apart make me so tense
So I will leave, I need to dream to be real
Seal the rabbit hole, my nightmares and I, we'll come to a deal.
***This stanza's a good example of some great lines that just need some trimming.  One of the cool things about great poetry is how perfectly rhythmic it is, and the easiest way to do that is just to add up your syllables and then even the lines out.  So in the above four lines, I count the first line as having 10 syllables.  Good length.  The others are 13, 11, and 15.  If I see that and want to clean this stanza up, make them all 10-syllable lines (not that I couldn't twist the first instead and make them all longer, but 10 is a good number for long lines), I'd get:

I don't like your world, it makes too much sense,
Strings keep me from falling, make me so tense
I'll leave the rabbit hole, dream to be real
My nightmares and I, we'll come to a deal.

[compared to what you had] ...

I don't like your world, it makes too much sense,
Strings that keep me from falling apart make me so tense
So I will leave, I need to dream to be real
Seal the rabbit hole, my nightmares and I, we'll come to a deal.

I'm lost in nonsensical logic ant it feels just like home
***and

Probably some commas at the end of lines would help too.  Hope some of this has helped.

Sean